Praise

How praise works
Praise is when you tell your child what you like about her or her behavior. Praise nurtures your child’s self-esteem, confidence and sense of self.

By using praise, you’re showing your child how to think and talk positively about himself. You’re helping your child learn how to recognize when he does well and to pat himself on the back.

What to use praise for
You can praise children of different ages for different things. You might praise a younger child for leaving the park when asked, or for trying to tie her own shoelaces. You can praise teenagers for coming home at an agreed time, or for starting homework without being reminded.

Descriptive praise
Descriptive praise is when you tell your child exactly what it is that you like. For example, “I like the way you’ve found a spot for everything in your room”.  This helps your child understand what you mean. It’s also more genuine than non-specific praise like “You’re a good boy”.

You can’t give too much praise. But praise can lose its impact if it isn’t specific or if you use it when your child hasn’t done anything. This might teach your child that she doesn’t have to do anything to be praised.

Using praise to change behavior
Children are more likely to repeat behavior that earns praise.  This means you can use praise to help change difficult behavior and replace it with desirable behavior.

The first step is to watch for times when your child behaves the way you want.  When you see this or another behavior you like, immediately get your child’s attention. Then tell your child exactly what you liked.

At first, you can praise every time you see the behavior.  When your child starts doing the behavior more often, you can praise it less.

If you’re using praise to change behavior, you can praise effort as well as achievement – for example, “It’s great how you used words to ask for that toy.” or “I like how you did your chores without being reminded.”

Using praise can seem like an effort, and some days it might be hard to find reasons to praise your child. But if you praise your child regularly, it’ll soon feel natural and normal.

Encouragement

Encouragement is praise for effort – for example, “You worked hard on that math homework.”

Praising effort can encourage your child to try hard in the future – it’s very motivating.  But you can also use encouragement before and during an activity to help your child do the activity or behavior.  For example, “Show me how well you can put your toys away.” or “I know you’re nervous about the test, but you’ve studied hard. No matter how it turns out, you’ve done your best.”

Some children, especially those who are less confident, need more encouragement than others.  When praise is encouraging and focused on effort, children are more likely to see trying hard as a good thing in itself.  They’re also more likely to keep trying and to be optimistic when they face challenges.

Rewards

A reward is a consequence of good behavior.  It’s a way of saying “well done” after your child has done something good or behaved well.  It could be a treat, a surprise or an extra privilege.  For example, as a reward for keeping his room clean, you might let your child choose what’s for dinner or have company over to play games.

Rewards can make your praise and encouragement work better.  Most behavior is influenced by the consequences that follow it, so when you praise your child’s behavior and then reward it, the behavior is more likely to happen again.

Rewards can work well at first, but it’s best not to overuse them.  If you need to use them a lot, it might help to rethink the situation – are there any other strategies that you could try to encourage the behavior you want? Or is the task or behavior too hard for your child right now?

Note that bribery and rewards aren’t the same.  A bribe is given before the behavior you want, and a reward is given after.  Rewards reinforce good behavior, but bribes don’t.

Help build your child’s self-esteem and encourage good behavior with these tips:

• When you feel good about your child, say so.  See if you can give your child some words of encouragement every day.  The small things you say can build up over time to have a big effect on your child.
• Try to praise more than you criticize.  As a guide, try to praise your child six times for every one time you say something negative.
• Look for little changes and successes.  Rather than waiting until your child has done something perfectly to give a compliment, try to praise any effort or improvement.
• Accept that everyone’s different.  Praise your child for her unique strengths and encourage her to develop and feel excited about her particular interests.  This will help her develop a sense of pride and confidence.
• Surprise your child with a reward for good behavior.  For example, “Thank you for picking up the toys, – let’s go to the park to celebrate.” or “Good job with getting a positive interim report from school.  Let’s go get pizza.”
• Praise effort as well as achievement. Recognize and praise how hard your child is trying – for example, “You worked really hard on that essay.” or  “Thank you for remembering to hang your coat in the closet.”
• Try to make your praise dependent on your child’s behavior, rather than your feelings. You might find that the more you look for good behavior to praise, the more positive you’ll feel (and the more good behavior you’ll see).

Avoid Positive Energy 

You might refer to them as “whiners” or even “toxic,” but however you refer to them, pessimists suck the positive energy out of the room.  These people think the world revolves around them, and they often lack any sense of empathy for others.

It’s important to establish healthy boundaries with people who chronically choose to stay stuck in their own misery. That may mean having to say things to a friend like, “I notice every time I offer you an idea about how you could make your situation better, you insist nothing will work. I am not sure I’m able to help.”

It may also mean distancing yourself a bit from a relative who insists on sharing his latest predictions about the end of the world.

Limit your media intake as well. Watching too many tragic stories on the news or consuming too much political news on social media can decrease your ability to maintain a “glass half full” outlook.

Recognize Your Negative Thoughts

It’s OK to acknowledge that bad things might happen. After all, ignoring reality isn’t helpful.

In fact, being realistic could be the key to doing your best.  If you’re excessively positive about an upcoming interview, you might not spend any time preparing because you’re confident you’ll land the job.

If however, you have an exaggeratedly negative outlook, you might sabotage your chances of getting hired. Thinking, “No one will ever hire me,” will cause you to look and feel defeated when you walk into the interview room. Your lack of confidence may be the reason you don’t get hired.

A healthy outlook would be to remind yourself that all you can do is your best and you’ll be OK, regardless of the outcome. Being optimistic helps you believe that brighter opportunities are on the horizon and you’re able to put in the effort to earn those opportunities.

When you’re thinking negatively, take a moment to assess how realistic your thoughts truly are. Re-framing your exaggeratedly negative thoughts into more realistic statements can help you maintain a healthy dose of optimism.

Bestow Positivity on Others

While it’s not your job to make everyone happy, it doesn’t hurt to perk up someone’s day. Once a day, share positive feedback with someone.

At work, compliment someone about a good question raised in an email or salient points that they brought up in an important meeting.

At home, praise your child for how hard they worked on their math homework. Or, tell your partner how much you appreciate them.

Making other people feel positive has lasting effects on your own life.  With that, don’t forget to bestow positivity on yourself. Before bed, think about what you did during the day. Even if it was a generally lackluster day, there’s bound to be something you can praise yourself for, whether it was keeping your cool when a driver cuts you off or wrapping up a project that has really been a challenge for you.

Imagine a Positive Future

It sounds kitschy, but writing down your ideas of an optimistic future can truly make a difference when it comes to your overall outlook.

If you need a primer, here’s what to do: Spend 20 minutes on four consecutive days on writing down what you want to happen tomorrow, next week, next month and next year—feel free to dream big.

You can also consider a serious challenge you have in your life right now and think about possible positive outcomes.

Practice Gratitude

Thinking about all the things you have to be grateful for, from warm sunshine to clean water, can give you an instant boost of optimism. You might even decide to keep a gratitude journal, in which you write down everything that makes you crack a smile during the day.

If nothing else, take a moment to stop, smile and be grateful for the good things in your life. Savor the moments that make it possible for you to have a good life.

It’s hard to be optimistic without feeling gratitude toward those that helped you get to that happy place. While thinking about how grateful you are is helpful, sharing your gratitude with others provides added benefits. You’ll spread a bit of joy and cheer when you tell others how much you appreciate them.

Write a letter to someone who made a positive impact on your life, whether it’s a teacher, a former boss or even your mom. If possible, deliver that letter in person.